Awareness

This is definitely NOT prompted by nor related to the relationship I am in now (unless tickling my feet and kissing my very sensitive neck counts as abuse!) and indeed I have been lucky not to be subjected to physical violence within a relationship, and I have a loving and close relationship with a very well balanced laid back guy who absolutely rocks my world.

However, there have been some articles I have seen recently on the net about emotional abuse, which make me realise that I was lucky to recognise the early symptoms of emotional abuse in a previous relationship and to escape it before I were to become a victim.

It wasn't anything dramatic. It was insidious, and the most dangerous thing is, you don't even realise that it is happening. To give you examples: checking my text messages, answering my phone, showing off like a child if we went out with friends, borrowing my car without asking, putting me down in front of friends and family, being jealous of my talking about work, dismissing my job.

Bizarrely and stupidly, it wasn't those things which actually tipped me off, though they did serve to piss me off. It was the innocuous comment made one evening as I was getting ready to go out with a female friend for dinner. It was a ritual of longstanding, we went out for dinner regularly to catch up and chat.

As all women know, no matter who you are going out with, you freshen up, especially after a long day at work! It's not about "going out on the pull" it's about personal appearance.

He said "What are you putting make up on for? You are only going out with your friend"

The scary thing is, for a split second, I thought "he's right, I don't need to put make up on"

Because of who I am (Im fairly strong minded) that split second was followed by a flash of anger as "who the fuck does he think he is" went through me. Then I realised, oh my god, that is how it starts.

When we were first together we got on ok. I was tolerant of the looking at my texts, because I thought "I don't have anything to hide, so Im being open by letting him check them" it didn't occur to me then that this was when it had really started, the monitoring and control.

After a series of really unpleasant incidents (one of which did border on violent) over a period of six months, and having been subjected to possessive moods and constant monitoring, I finally had enough and called time on it. The decision to end the relationship was met with threats of suicide (which only made me more angry and put my back up!) and then when I collected my stuff that day, public verbal abuse from him and his mother (who he had phoned that morning and she had driven down from the Midlands especially!)

I was so lucky. There had been suggestions of having a baby together (which I had firmly discouraged) and looking back, this would have been another means of exercising control.

My reason for writing about this isn't for any catharsis or to lay anything to rest. I left my ex on my birthday, and to this day I consider it my birthday gift to me! My reason for writing about it, is purely to illustrate how easy it is to fall prey to a type of "domestic abuse" There is no specific class of women who are more susceptible to it, I am fairly strong, confident of my abilities (when it comes to business anyway!) was/am self sufficient, independent and I drive/own a car.

Too many people judge those who are victims of domestic abuse, or think that certain women go for violent/abusive men, and it is stupid to put up with abuse. My point is this; if someone smacks you with a brick straight away, you are going to watch them like a hawk, never mind let them get within ten feet. But when someone strokes your arm and croons soothing sounds to you, you are less likely to see the handcuffs until it's too late.

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