Day 5

It is Sunday, Day 5. I am getting more movement in the knee, but I still need to sit with it elevated in order for it to feel comfortable.

I expected (and dreaded) the prospect of feeling incredibly frustrated (stems from being a stubborn independent cow) along with feeling extremely helpless/stupid/clumsy (pick one, all are appropriate) so those emotions have not come as a surprise to me.

What I had not anticipated was being able to appreciate how we/I take the everyday things for granted, and how much effort must be involved to carry out the simple tasks for disabled people.

Give you a really basic example. Being on crutches means I can't move a cup of liquid from one room to the next. I can make myself a drink, but then I can't transfer it to the living room. I could probably make myself a sandwich, but taking it on a plate and sitting down with it is a different matter.

This morning, I had a shower without Mark actually helping me into the shower and helping me wash. He was in the bathroom on standby, just in case in I did need help, and I could see that there were some things it would have just been easier to let him do, but I had to try for myself.

The sheer effort involved to do it was unbelievable. Things have to be done in a certain way, like hanging the towels somewhere I can reach them from the shower cubicle. Getting my crutches balanced against the shower cubicle so I could reach them when I got out. Having to sit on a chair in the shower as that was safer. The achievement of a shower and then drying my hair was satisfying, if a little tiring!

I'm not saying that there aren't facilities available to help disabled people cope with everyday tasks. But even with those, aside from the energy and effort that require expending, it's the struggle for independence, not having to rely on others.

I have only been on crutches four days (got a little while yet!) and luckily for me, it shouldn't be a long term prospect. What about those who are faced with disability long term or permanently?

When they discharged me on Thursday, and I walked over to x-ray to get my knee checked, all the people milling about, it's like you are invisible. I found myself walking as close to the wall as possible so as not to hold people up or get in the way because I couldn't keep up with the rush.

I know that is a psychological issue, but it's also about how other people treat you as well. If people talk about you as though you aren't there, or don't acknowledge your presence in certain situations, how long does it take before you start to feel in yourself that you don't exist?

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